Apr 28, 2008

In my father's office there are many rooms

They are each about 8' x 8' and if you stand up you can see over them to fluorescence, more grey, stray floating particles of boredom. How many, probably a million, little heads all bowed over machines pretending to be important, not wishing, not wanting. Outside there is sun and the rain is still dripping from the roof. I think in here they are all little boys and girls, missing. At least, missed.

I know now why he would smell foreign when he came home from the office, foreign and strangerly when I found I must be shy. But I wondered which was my da's real smell, this or scent of Saturdays, the one that came deep from the very middle of his chest when after the day in the workshop or field I could hold my head there for a moment. Sawdust, hay, and salt and rain. Don't breathe. don't move. don't stay.

Warm and storms bringing cold, two deaths in the Family, sleeping, waking. This art of carving time. Crying and clowning. I was away and now I'm here.
Right now while I am not contemplating my mind in this place I am studying for my Incoming Theory Proficiency Assessment exam which I will take in 3 hours. And my head is comfortable, crammed. It's all so easy it's all so not, complex simple, smooth deep alphabet of this language becoming more natural than what you call speech.

major mazurka measure mediant melodic melody meter metronome mezzo minor moderato mode modulate music music music

Blogging while stressed

Just now I realize I left out an important word in my previous post. At the the moment that doesn't surprise me.

Apr 25, 2008

I'm sorry

For right this is the only place I write.

Apr 20, 2008

Found two weeks ago today

Pleased to report on one wild rabbit, fat, happy and quite still alive.

Apr 19, 2008

Things my family actually think I care about

W: Chris, I got a myspace! you've got to go to it! it's got Spongebob as my THEME SONG!

Apr 18, 2008

Sonatina learns a new word

"We would all expect an earthquake to be called a trembler, but what is this temblor, with no R after the T and ending on -or? Today's Good Word is the Spanish word for "earthquake" pure and simple—no embellishments or refinements. Because it was borrowed quite recently, it has no family of related words. It is a lexical orphan."

"If you have too many fair-weather friends and want to separate them from the real ones, here is a very Good Word to work with. Say something like, "I love California but wouldn't want to live there because of the temblors." Most of your friends will jump to correct you, "I think you mean 'tremblers', don't you?" But you will have a copy of today's Good Word in your pocket to prove that you are correct. Only your true friends will talk to you after this."

from alphadictionary

I love the sentence in the first part, "it is a lexical orphan". It conjures up this tragic image of a small defenseless word trudging down the road, the grief for its lost mother language forming a tear in its i. The second part just made me laugh. My friends friend already knows I read the dictionary for fun.

Spring comes in colors

It must be the first day for the peach blossoms because I would have seen them before. And you know I would have seen them before.

And I can still not resist the oh so yellow.

Yet unshaken

Christina, would you get up how can you be in bed at nine in the morning we couldn't get back to sleep at all after the earthquake.

eh? the what?

Oh that's what the hubbub was at 4 AM. I wasn't paying attention. I'd only gotten two hours of sleep. 5.2 on the Richter, 150 miles away.
I never felt a thing.
I thought they were making it up at the time.
I'm all bummed out now.

But then there was the aftershock at 10 am. My second chance. Wide awake. No excuse.
So, um, what's you people's problem? Can't you feel that? Feel what? That? What?
Is there a cause for concern here? Do I just have a natural unbalance that cancels out the effects of moving terrain? Or do I simply float? Or am I too used to being buffeted?

The little jokester inside is trying to comfort me in my disappointment.
He says, if you missed it, it's not your fault. [JOKESTER PAUSES EXPECTANTLY] FAULT don't you get it FAULT, gahahahahaheeehooo


I'm going outside.

I know

I'll go out and chase a star.

Apr 17, 2008

No more lost

With a field below I remember why I began to leave, how I can stand. While here is where. A silence I know, and what it means to feel my hands filling with the whispered falls of petals, there being no more than to breathe.

There is this place where my prayer is good enough for Heaven and I sing calmly to stars.

No needed touch but the wind.
No hurt but simple, alone.

I know I never have to go back, become something I don't know, do a thing I don't want to do. I know I could always hold on. I know I needn't ever turn around and yet, and yet, and yet.

Apr 16, 2008

my flowers

scent of the sunshine, planted by wind.

Perfect pitch

I think it is the most amazing thing in the world.

Apr 15, 2008


Two of the little rabbits died three days ago. My heart was too hushed to tell you.


Apr 14, 2008

Sonatina gets caffeinated

I've got a headache. I've had it for about three days. It isn't unpleasant. Basically I haven't gone to sleep yet. It was the coffee. I really hadn't drank a drop for 5 years. I quit at 13. I never liked coffee anyway. I only started drinking it at 9 years old because everyone else did. It was in. It was le chique le cool. It was disgusting. I hate coffee, I would say victoriously during those five years when anyone offered, nope, don't want any don't need it, stunt your own growth if you please. I gave that up years ago.
Then on Sunday I picked up my sister's cup and downed it. Then I had another one.

And I've been awake. And I really liked it.

It was bitter and dark and nice.

I also like the little voice in my head that's all like, whoooohoo all the time.

Now this whole rediscovering coffee thing has me wondering. What else has been self deception? Do I really hate ketchup too? Why does the state of Illinois repulse me anyway? Is pop music from the 80's all that bad? Is Spongebob Squarepants really the greatest cartoon on earth after all and I've been missing out the entire time?

Apr 13, 2008


don't ever quit drinking coffee for five years and then one night consume two black cups of it shortly before your bedtime.

Apr 12, 2008

Things that happened today

1) I registered for classes at U. More importantly I got to sit in Hyperactive Band Director's office for a full ten minutes and it was so full of mess and clutter and music and musical things and a dark friendly piano and beautiful shambles of obsession and he gave me a handshake and a book to borrow and left me breathless in awe of pure eccentric energy.


2) I remembered I accidentally left my Notebook at a church 60 miles away and that there are too many scribbly and unguarded things in there, some of which, as I recall, are not exactly church material, for it to be left alone so long. Someone must have found it by now. The weird fear of opening gnaws at me.


3) I went to my brother's house and we drove the long way back to mine in his car. I noticed I felt safe standing beside my brother who is as tall as a man. I remembered how we used to despise each other, fight, scrambling for an upper hand when younger, how when he moved away I began to adore him.


4) I decided I should ask somebody quick to tell me they are alive and doing things, anybody. I'm at the computer writing an essay about myself again. It seems like all I have been doing for seven million hundred years is writing essays about myself. At this point I am becoming unsure that any other human being really exists.

Rows of grey

There may only be a few people on Earth who find out early enough that we are not meant to live this way.

Apr 11, 2008

About where I have been and where I am going

I have reached a point in my troubled adolescent life where there is an awful lot of troubling adolescent things happening. There, that should do it. Now that you're all here I will confess this post is really about bunnies. Some cottontails in particular, whose cozy home the PaterFamilias ran over with his tractor on Sunday, making us all staunch supporters of the 4th Commandment and leaving us with three brown shy orphans -

This is Stretch who was the first to peer out of his box

and this is Squash who likes to eat clover while perched on top of the head of


Skitty, who does not like to have his picture taken.

All names are preliminary of course and subject to change without notice since no one probably would notice because half the time we can't tell the critters apart anyway. It's actually gotten really humorous around here because 2 days ago the rabbits were almost torn to pieces with sympathetic caretakers wanting to be the first to feed them, and then this morning I heard the 13 year old yell KAYLA YOU HAVEN'T FED THE BUNNIES YET and K answer why don't you feed the bunnies for once, I ALWAYS do it and Con replied FINE, LET THEM DIE

So mostly I feed the rabbits now

And I think I love them.

Here I am

in my pj's, in the morning, in the proceedings of watching the sky through the windows while tending my tender wrist and scratching where I have what appears to be poison ivy, which I do not wonder at since I accepted years ago that I am one of the few blessed people on earth who can get instant poison ivy year round just by thinking about green and leafy things.
It is windy. Excuse me. That is what we call an understatement. It is really windy. It whatever it may be is reckless flat out breakneck super-de-duper crack the whip windy, and I am ok with it because I like wind when it is warm and even though this is by no means warm I am indoors where the cold wind is not blowing and can't hurt me though I think it did break a window. But that window had it coming. It was like rattle rattle bang rattle CHINK. I feel restlessness that grows like the sounds, nowhere to go much too cold out. It might rain. Again. Which would make it about three hundred agains over our rainfall at this point last year, but then, last year was a drought year. Feast or famine, say the wise ones while the rest of us nod sagely wondering, do they sell an antacid for this sort of thing. I would turn on the Weather Channel to see if it is indeed going to rain but every time I watch it there is always this one woman that speaks and all I can hear is blouyeyeyeyeyeyeye and this other man that calls my state Miss Horey and I usually end up getting really insulted.

Oh hi!

Apr 10, 2008

I miss you

My little sonatina.

Apr 2, 2008

Look how fast I type

Up at five, gone till six, only home to get ready to leave again, how do people live that way I have wondered until now, as I find that I'm figuring it out or something out, mainly that somehow I am really ok with not being there, and I am ok with being away, and I even forget sometimes that it may be wrong to feel you have to escape your own home, but then moving was always key, Earth to ChrisTinaland, no time for the reminiscence or psychology, repeat, we're off again, but I will say I feel a little abandoned and I love it and I hate it.