Dec 7, 2006

only hope

Only Hope, by Jon Foreman of Switchfoot
A song running through and through my head today.
Maybe someday it will stand still, take hold, and become me
For now I love this peace


There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now you're my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again

And I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

I give You my apathy
I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am

At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back


Dec 5, 2006

Dreaming in December far away from Winter Blues

Writing to the point of carpal tunnel, then cutting up half what I wrote into little pieces whilst listening to every CD I own at least twice through, then cleaning everything and drinking numerous cups of tea and reading until I fall asleep... tomorrow will be better.

And just look what came in the mail!!!! Spring came!!!!!!!


People ask me what I do in winter when there’s no baseball. I’ll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring.

Rogers Hornsby


Dec 4, 2006

Wrestling with God

At some unsleeping times of moonlit nights, there are moments when I realize there is nothing more true than something the late and wise Bryn Jones once said:

"You know it's God when you say 'Shut up!'
and it keeps right on talking."


Nov 27, 2006

While it lasts

The falling leaves drift by the window,
the autumn leaves of red and gold

the days grow long and soon I'll hear
Old winter's song

Johnny Mercer

Nov 10, 2006

E.P. - 19 yrs old - '06

I would gift wrap all the presents
friendly things the world it has
if I could.

Even to send a folded thought
an envelope that holds
a wish for you

is what I wish.

Where could I send it?

But perhaps I can smile a smile
and hug a hug.
I'll send them off,
and they will know exactly where to go
to find you and tell you
my wish:

That you always see light
and are loved as you love.
And never looking back,
never forget.

Hold onto His hand
and hold onto his.
And in case you ever need it
mine's always here too.


Happy birthday, L
Times find me wishing I was there or you were here,
Love always,

Oct 30, 2006

leaf angels

We made leaf angels first but the wind erased them.
So we gathered all the leaves and jumped in them and grinned and then to leave them as we found them
picked them up and


A rain had fallen from some warmer region in the skies when the cold here below was intense to and extreme. Every drop was frozen wherever it fell in the trees, and clung to the limbs and sprigs as it it had been fastened by hooks of steel. The earth was never more universally covered with snow, and the rain had frozen upon a crust on the surface which shone with the brightness of burnished silver. The icicles on every sprig glowed in all the luster of diamonds. Every tree was a chandelier of cut glass. I have seen a queen of France with 18 millions of livres of diamonds upon her person and I declare that all the charms of her face and figure added to all the glitter of her jewels did not make an impression on me equal to that presented by every shrub. The whole world was glittering with precious stones.
- on an ice storm that resulted in the loss of his prized fruit trees,
John Adams
born October 30, 1735

Oct 26, 2006

where are my coloring books?

Perhaps they had gotten left in the third grade, so I drew
in the margins and behind the bars
of this notebook.

skies of clouds and the blue between
Old man river in autumn
raining leaves
five flowers catching snowflakes, holding hands.

K's drawing me a proper coloring book. I must've looked mournful enough, or else she's simply

F's cotton head on my knee
gave him paper and a Crayon
check his progress -- laugh-- he beams at me
swallowing the last

Oct 12, 2006


Yesterday was cold. Cold and rainy. We were going to go to the Wednesday meeting at church for once. I didn't want to go. NLCS Game 1. You know me. But I needed to go, so I did. We started out and 10 minutes down the road came to the intersection there, and there were about 6 or 7 cars parked, on the side of the road and in the grass. Slowing down, we saw the underneath of a mini van down in the ravine where it had toppled and was now lying, halfway on its side and halfway on its top. There were no police cars or ambulances or anything there yet. So we stopped. We had to. How can you pass by? My mum got out, and hurried over to find out what was going on. She came back a few minutes later, took the blankets that were in the car and told everyone else to stay in. So we could only watch until the authorities finally came and they started getting the passengers out and away. They were only children. I could see one little boy, the first one they pulled out, carried to the ambulance on a stretcher. I couldn't hear him. I couldn't do anything but sit there getting wet from the rain coming through my open window. I would only have been in the way. But there is something in you that wants to do something, to do good and help. And something else that wants to stay where you are safe, where you don't have to see.
She told me later the driver of the van was a 16 year old girl, permit driver probably. Didn't stop at the stop sign for some reason and a passing truck slammed into them, spinning around and sending them down the ditch. 7 people in the van, the two parents, I think, and the rest children. The mom was in shock and only said Was I driving, was I driving... oh god, I've killed my children. There was blood all over in the van, Mum said. Parents were both in shock, some of the children had head damage and were unconscious, the driver included, and the other children all had broken legs and arms. Little arms and legs. I didn't want to ask God why. I only thanked Him. For no one was killed.

They were landing the helicopters to take them away when we left. It was too late to go to church then, so we turned around and went home. The game was cancelled due to rain in New York. No one here felt much like cheering anyway. It was freezing in the house all night, or at least it seemed that way to me. Shivering all night, and I didn't even have my window open for once. I couldn't fall asleep for thinking again, so I prayed once more for them all. I'm still praying today. I don't know any of those people, not even their names, but I trust it to God that they will be all right. How fragile we are. There's this big world and there's us, little people. So small. There are those who simply don't see that and some of their problems will seem insurmountable to them, because to those people there is nothing higher, nothing more important than their lives. And there are those who do sense it, and it will fill them with fear; fear of what can and might happen. And then there are those who truly see one thing. That yes, we are small. Yes, this world is big. But there is something sure and it is that God is big too. Bigger. Grander. More. You know the hymn "Blessed Assurance, Jesus is Mine"? I am blessed and assured. For He is mine, but more importantly, that I am His. There is the rock that is higher than I. In that place, there is no fear.
I am His. I am held.

Oct 2, 2006


I don't really know how to feel. I'm not so pretty sometimes. I have lost sight in this past week. But brought back now to realize that when I lose sight, that's when I lose joy. And I don't ever want to lose my joy, and have a day when I can't smile and I couldn't sing.

After I wrote the last entry, I was wandering through one of my notebooks and found a folded up piece of paper in between the pages. I can't write out here what was on it, but it stopped me dead in my pitying myself. It was something I wrote. I don't remember when and I don't remember why. I guess you could call it a confession. A confession of submission... letting go. A willingness to give up trying to know why, and trying to carry a load I wasn't meant to. To just be held. And to simply, simply trust. There couldn't be any more than that peace when I am in that place, that blessed, blessed peace.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled
as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

St Frances of Assisi

Sep 26, 2006

September evening

I hardly know what to say, being so overwhelmed with the angels that I call my friends. Every prayer, word, and thought about my family is appreciated more than you can know. I am blessed beyond belief. We're going to be alright.

Going to class in about an hour, but right now looking out the windows at Missouri September. I hope it gets cold again soon, so all the trees start changing. A few have. One of the silver maples on the drive, the one that's still a baby is all dressed up fiery red. The one across from it was planted at the same time and grew faster and bigger, but it's still green and doesn't hold a candle to that red. Then there's a tree pretty near the house that I think may be an ash, but don't know enough about trees to be sure. But I know it's turned the most brilliant yellow, the only other tree to change that much yet around here. I climbed it today for no reason at all (barefootin'!) and it was the cheeriest place in the world then, sun on golden leaves. Flash thought I was very odd, smiling down at him from up there, and dropping leaves on him, one by one. Not everybody understands everything, you know.

George Gershwin's birthday today. The words to the last song he ever wrote have been going through my mind all day.

It's very clear
Our love is here to stay
Not for a year
But ever and a day

Sep 20, 2006


How is it? asked him. Not good, he says. He's always tired now and sometimes his breathing comes hard, with so much coughing...
with every one my heart aches a bit and asks why him? I would carry it for him and whatever else it is too... that he would breathe great big breaths of wonderful air, and smile a lot, and that he would be close. You have to teach me still -- teach me to hit the other way, teach me to be strong like you but not afraid to cry, teach me the simple answer to my thousand questions, and how it's not doing things that's important but most of all believing things.

We all have to hold on to believing things.

oh hold on.

Sep 9, 2006

Kayla came on a walk down the road with me a few days ago, and we talked about the most lovely things that we want. How she thought it would be so neat to have a grove of little trees, "like that one" there, and a little house in the middle for some exotic animals to live in and around and we'd let the tigers out sometimes but make sure they don't eat the nearby cows. (I don't know where she gets this stuff but I wouldn't trade listening to it for all the kingdoms in the world.) And how she wanted to fly in an airplane some time above the clouds to see what it's like and I said I'd love that too, but mentally thought who needs a plane? And how when it's winter and snowed we're going to explore everywhere around here that we haven't been. Especially those woods over here and that little broken down shack over there. Why when it's winter, you ask? Because there's no bugs, snakes, or poison ivy to hinder and exploring is best when wearing hats and scarves or don't you know anything. I can't remember ever looking forward to winter as I do now. Thanks to some inspiration from friends and the company of a little girl.

Happy autumn.

Aug 29, 2006

Angel hair and fire and colors and changing

I thought it was going to be clear last evening. Those distant clouds came fast... and then they were so here I felt I could reach up and touch them.

They were dark, but between them the sky was still far above and blue.... the high clouds, whispy ones were up there, white at first, and then fires of orange and pink... the angel hair, flowing in the wind. I stood, then sat at the top of GreatHill and looked over that great, big golden field and those trees at the far end and watched and cried as God painted the end of a day. I don't know why I cried. For all things beautiful, I guess. For all things good. Wishing everyone could see this. That it had to end. That I had to run home.

Don't know why I'm writing this either. Guess I'm wanting to remember. And I'm hoping you can see it in a small way maybe.

Aug 21, 2006


dear God,

just wanted to thank You again - so much- for the rain.

all my love,

Aug 18, 2006

Keeping a promise

The Most Marvelous Adventures and Perils of Knightess
Christina Alycianne and Her Two Most Loyal, Brave, and True Sisters
Kaylana Bethany and No. 3
Through the
Magical and Manifold Wonders of the Woodland Path and
Surrounding Regions.
My walks about the property are solitary, as a rule. Other people tend to distract, as selfish as that may seem of me. But there comes a time when you convince yourself someone else should share and benefit too, when in truth you just want them with you. I'd stopped by the pond for a few minutes and was gazing absently like usual when Michaela came along. I don't remember what she was doing or where she was headed, but she sidelined whatever it was and stuck with me. We talked a bit, about nothing probably, and started meandering up the field. Not minutes afterward, #3 fell in with us wanderers. I had my two baby sisters on a walk with me. Unprecedented. We got near the top of the hill and to the front field. Now, I had in my hand a long, sturdy stick I'd picked up from somewhere. Sticks = fun= kids = pretend = yes! It came into my head all of the sudden, and as we were walking, I held my stave aloft and cried, "CHAAAAAARGE!!!" and so we did, up the rest of the hill, yelling, to collapse at the fence in laughter.
That's how it started.
After we'd crossed the driveway to the path around the other field I had to run back to the house for a hat and scarf, partly because I'd gone out unprepared and it was getting cold, partly because well, I just look so darn cool in a scarf. I entrusted Kayla with my staff. In a bit I returned and was about to take it back but she - the little wonder - she told me to kneel first. Kneel? Sometimes you don't question kids. I knelt. She then solemnly tapped me on both of my shoulders and pronounced me Knight, which I accepted, surprised and honored, and reverently changed to Knightess. We are girls, after all. She returned my staff and we went on our gallant way. After a little while, we came to the timber pile (left by the irreverent foresters) near the woods and I stopped. See, they should be Knightesses too. And you certainly can't be a proper one without a good and sturdy stick, I told them. So they eagerly began their search which soon produced two very worthy staffs. But before receiving the honor, a candidate must walk the Log of Knight (A felled tree) to reach the Meditation Seat (stump of felled tree). Terribly perilous, yes. But fear is the only thing that could possibly make you unsteady; your valour will keep you safe. The young ones did this admirably and without delay on each I conferred the honourable rank and we continued on our way.
And then we reached it. The entrance. Just before our present path entered the shadow of the trees, there was an opening into the woods. All chatter was hushed and I proceeded to tell them with all my (ha) wisdom as elder Knightess - we were to enter this enchanted and magical Wood. There was beauty there found nowhere else in the realm; but also peril, so rules must be followed. They understood. We walked in. Lookout Point! the first place we came upon. Each could stand on the point (A tall stump.... since renamed the Fool's Stone) and look out to see one of the loveliest sights in the kingdom: the Gold Field, called this for what can be seen there in the fall, but on this day the emeralds were in bloom. 3 reluctant hops down from Lookout Point and we were strolling along the Arbor Footpath. It was then we caught sight of the intruder. Black, furry, bumbling... the dog had followed us. A filthy animal! and without a stick!, I cried. The verminous creature was destroyed several times over with our sticks-turned-machine-guns. Sighing with relief at our close call with death, we continued on our way, sometimes pausing to to observe the rule that states every stump within sight must be stepped on reverently for a moment - and the one that says every log lying across the path you must step onto, close your eyes, turn in a circle three times and then get dizzy and fall off laughing. We arrived in this giggly state in Sunny Grove and passed through suddenly silent, for no one must break the peace of that place. Then another log, down to Deep Ravine, on to Hobbit Hole - oh, this tale grows too long to permit the details of all of the wonderful places.
We finally reached the end of our journey. Only one obstacle remained. The Shadow. It lay between the shelter of wonder in the Woodland and the Sunlight of the end of the day. But what was that? We could do this. We could do anything. Taking a deep breath of that wonderful air, (for one cannot breathe in the Shadow) we three Knightesses ran from the end of the Woodland to the light, to collapse in victory and more laughter. Our adventure was done. But it was a journey no one else could know of then. Who would understand? Our staffs we buried under the pine trees. Our smiles we kept with us.
Where've you been all this time?
We shrugged, but looked at each other with those smiles. We knew.

Aug 8, 2006


they were only ordinary trees
to us the branches were beckoning
they whispered of magic
it was only a pile of leaves
to us it was autumn's laughter
smiling at our levity
it was only the famer's crop
to us it was a city
of emeralds and gold
it was only a cheerful creek
to us, a roaring river to be forded
recklessly, now
it was only the last glow of daylight
to us, the first light of stars
Venus sparkling good night
it was only now dreaded bedtime
to us, a merry chase; memories of today
and dreams of tomorrow

Jun 29, 2006

i wonder.

Do you think the crescent moon is God's thumbnail? If you say "I do believe in fairies", is one born? And why are "Yellow Transportation" trucks orange?

And do you ever look up at the sky and think that heaven's there - right there - you just can't see it yet?

Apr 21, 2006

Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea...

I don't care too much about Hawaii's state anything... but now I know a really, really big word.

Apr 11, 2006

Facts of Life: Part 1

FACT: In this day and age, it is looked upon as quite unsanitary, entirely socially unacceptable, and rather sacriligious to take up a hair lying on someone's shoulder and to then floss with said hair. While in church.

(Note - This fact is apparently not well known by nine year old girls named Michaela.)

Feb 23, 2006

Mm mm good.

You can eat here, but don't say we didn't warn you.

Jan 31, 2006

Nothing's perfect.

In a perfect world, I would update my blog every day.

Jan 16, 2006

Go Steelers!!! (haiku.)

it was a close one
the ponies gave us a scare
but the Bus rolls on