backtracking

Oct 9 Audition day day yesterday was a long long long long day. I was too tired to think about it afterwards, I didn't really want to think about it afterwards, a whole load of uncertainty was on my shoulders afterward. I have no idea how it was. There was no hint of anything in their faces, and of course that's how they're supposed to be, impartial unbiased unsupportive, isn't it? And there was no feeling of "YES, I nailed it that time", but no thought that I blew it so what am I left with now until I know? I wish for the tiniest bit of reassurance and am not finding it, in myself or anywhere. Why I have not wanted to touch the Spinet or any other piano since, for the first time I can remember, I don't know. Maybe it makes me tired and I am already exhaustively tired and spent from everything, from weeks putting all my energy into one thing and now it's over and I can't change a thing. I can't rest with that yet. Still, it won't possibly last. Maybe I will discover Beethoven. I had avoided before the temptation while I focused on Mozart because to fall in love with Beethoven while committed to Amadeus seemed like polygamy, musical polygamy the sin of all sin. But now, now it's probably permissible. Now I am somewhat unaffiliated. Now I wait.

Closing for the night

There is a bunch to blog and no time. Please come back tomorrow.

Who paints the skies?

The clouds were this colour yesterday.

Happy birthday John

My big brother is 22 today, but sometimes I don't think he's in too much danger of growing up.

Good night, good weekend

I will blog when it's all over.

Sail on home to Jesus won't you good girls and boys

I'm all in pieces, you can have your own choice
But I can hear a heavenly band full of angels
And they're coming to set me free
I don't know nothing bout
the why or when but
I can tell that its bound to be
Because I could feel it, child
On a country road

I guess my feet know where they want me to go

James Taylor

Dog days

we played in the leaves, too.

The tell tale tread

Guess who played in the mud today.

Sad in St Louis

I took this photo on Opening Day of the season this year... two boys standing next to us watching batting practice, wishing the game would start, wishing they were the ones on the field maybe. I don't know, I just wished I had thought to dye my hair that colour and that one of them would catch a baseball and smile.

It was the last day of the Season yesterday. The Cards ended on a 5 game win streak, small consolation for the long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long O-Word. Six months of O-word. St Louisans must be spoiled surely because now it's October and we are sitting here much like two boys I saw once, chins in chubby hands, wishing. Now it's October and none of us are quite sure what to do with it.

September at last, I presume

It is a fine bright day. It was a fine dark night. I sat on the low wall in the dark for a bit, munching something, swinging my feet, watching the west flash with Lightning, listening to deep thunder roll in, the gnomes at ninepins last night. The wind was up all day long all night long making the trees frantic and the dust scoop itself like Hands. It's calmed down today. A fine bright day. Good for climbing trees.

*

Didn't blog much last week. Besides having nothing of merit to say, I am still practicing. Today I went to T of the Beautiful Piano's house to get a feel for the Mozart on a grand and so I got after a while, but somehow all that is left on my fingers now is the feel of a Granados Danza Espanola which I started playing almost absentmindedly. The Mozart was beautiful but the Granados was so beautiful my fingers thought they surely were making it up as they went nobody could have possibly played this this way before and lived to write it down. But ahem as I was saying, the Mozart. Yes, I have focused on this nearly every waking/sleeping/walking/starving moment for 4 weeks which is a new previously thought impossible record for me focusing yee-haw. I didn't have an aim before which is probably why I was flitting which is probably why I didn't get anywhere which is probably why I didn't like myself.

Audition in one week.