backtracking

Oct 9 Audition day day yesterday was a long long long long day. I was too tired to think about it afterwards, I didn't really want to think about it afterwards, a whole load of uncertainty was on my shoulders afterward. I have no idea how it was. There was no hint of anything in their faces, and of course that's how they're supposed to be, impartial unbiased unsupportive, isn't it? And there was no feeling of "YES, I nailed it that time", but no thought that I blew it so what am I left with now until I know? I wish for the tiniest bit of reassurance and am not finding it, in myself or anywhere. Why I have not wanted to touch the Spinet or any other piano since, for the first time I can remember, I don't know. Maybe it makes me tired and I am already exhaustively tired and spent from everything, from weeks putting all my energy into one thing and now it's over and I can't change a thing. I can't rest with that yet. Still, it won't possibly last. Maybe I will discover Beethoven. I had avoided before the temptation while I focused on Mozart because to fall in love with Beethoven while committed to Amadeus seemed like polygamy, musical polygamy the sin of all sin. But now, now it's probably permissible. Now I am somewhat unaffiliated. Now I wait.