Mar 30, 2008

and if the flowers, the little ones, knew

IN the meantime there has been a whole week of March and absolutely no time to write about it. Sometimes you just have to work for your living and luxury and spend the rest of the time playing your piano and reading JM Barrie and baking cake and listening to classical radio and berating your dog and warding off librarians and being happy and being confused and being sad. I will tell you all about it if you want, later. I promise also I will read your posts and reply to your emails and all that. Right now I am a little sad. Earlier I was a lot sad. But not now, now is an almost calm like I am a separate person in a mirror seeing my face and curious at the red traces in my eyes, the silver taste in my mouth. There are no long words or deep heart gushing. I think about simple things now. I think the most often that I would have loved to hang on my dad. That there was a time I would have done anything to be held. That now we are so far away living in this same house, a mystery that would take more than I am to explain. It is our faults both. Every daughter should tell her father she loves him every time she thinks of it and trust him enough to do what he asks. Every father should know his children wish more than anything to make him proud, and when they are always and only told they did wrong they will eventually truly believe they can do nothing right.


Aethelflaed said...

Dad's don't usually seem to say when they're proud. I would have swore to you that mine hated me. Until I moved out. And then every time I came home, I found out that I could talk to him, about random things, for hours. Nothing particularly meaningful. But just learning that I _could_ talk to him, and that he wanted to talk to me made me realize that dads love their children very very much, even when they are angry, and really are proud of them, they just don't always know how to say it. And now he doesn't need to tell me, because I know. It's weird. Hang in there. It gets better.

Christina said...

thankin you, Miss Jessie.