Rag Time

Still playing Joplin.
but later,
do check
back.

When I go and suck all the fun out of it...

... there's nothing like Joplin to put it back in.

Well,

There was no reason for posting this here except that I need to do something for no reason - and there is all week to delete it, besides.

Most of all

I am playing the Moonlight Sonata like a fiend. Or the QuasiUnaFantasia like a fantasy Sonata as should be said; there is no Luna Light on Lake Lucerne, not in the third movement which is the one I learn. Everyone is so tired of hearing it, and I get so tired playing it, so beautifully tired all through my fingers up my arms to my back and through and through me until there is nothing to be done because it still races in me even when I am still. It is under my eyelids while I rest, and while I rest I dream my dreams of unattainable things. It is heartbreaking. To have a hold on nothing sure and to wish I could either begin again, all over; or to wish that I could just know if I know anything; to hit the same wall over and over again and know that no one knows; to have broken myself to pieces for this at least once and not knowing what will come of it.
I need most of all a teacher again, I have known it for a year. I try to help others while I am so frustrated that there is no one to help me. Just another hand again, I would not push it away. There is nothing more we can teach you, they said. Yes you can! there is everything to learn now!! I know the letters, but how do I spell? I know the words, now teach me to sing them; or even if you never ever say a word, listen to me. Listen for me. Show me that you know too.

Still often tiptoe

It was a good weekend altogether, one that could have gone either way up or down and it went brightly mostly finely all the timely. I just did normal things and nothing much more than ordinary happened which made it weird. Well, there was Saturday night when O and I went to T's house, T of the Beautiful Piano's house, to meet her to drive with her to go meet other people to see a movie and once there I completely lost my footing and didn't like it. But T had asked O to come because she didn't want to go by herself, and O asked me to come because she didn't want to drive there by herself, and by this time I'm wondering what really do you see that is more appealing than being by one's self, but that was my solitarian talking so I went. And like I said... footing.

But I did see the Beautiful Piano for a moment. Closed with a lonely metronome on its ledge. That house is so quiet.

*

This morning K sat at the kitchen table, complacently scribbling at her homework and wearing a red flowerish dress, a black curly wig and a big maroon hat with a bow. I didn't laugh out loud because it was actually quite pretty, in a ridiculous way. She and I understand this. This laughing or not laughing or laughing quietly or laughing forte, and sometimes just the opposite.
I cried a few weeks ago when she read out loud no winging out the way of butterflies no sudden blindfold-lifting from the eyes from my notebook of favorite things. She didn't see me and asked, why didn't you write in here I had a little nut tree and nothing would it bear but a silver nutmeg which is her favorite poem she can recite by heart. I don't think that's silly because she always has a reason for liking what she does and a reason for doing what she does. Once when I sat in the dark of my room, the narrow door light crept silently wider and she stole to me... Chris... and thinking me asleep she left a kiss on my cheek that calmed my heart and scampered back to the light. Also because she says things like "you know dandelion seeds, wouldn't it be fun to fly on one you'd land so softly". And because sometimes she is my only child and sometimes all the parents I have.

*
One more - I sat on my floor one evening weeks ago trying to be my best sorry (or my sorry best) and I told K mournfully there is just so much going on; but CandyMan was on the radio and she, jumping all over the room, told me, "Well, you just gotta DANCE through it!" It was the best advice ever.

Missy in the morning

She is curious about everything;

toes,

toys,

trespassers,

...

and Tina.

There and back again

So it had been almost two weeks since last. I'm home. I was always home. It stormed twice and rained three times, I lost a tea mug my mind and a friend - I found a quiet pianist, new Norah music, and a pretty place to walk; I saw my grandparents, we sang a song and found the ring and I do want to tell you about all that but I know what you really want to hear is about my Spinet and all its inner parts. I worked at the dreary job for 4 days and Mr A said well Christina whatcha gonna do with your money this time? Sink it into the Piano, said I and when I find his number, Mr Kenneth shall be coming for some serious regulation and if the operation goes well my G won't be clicky and my keys won't be mushy, anymore. And perhaps my pedal can be fixed too, though I probably would have worked at the dreary job for 5 days if I'd remembered about that. I would have done that because I love my old broken Piano and would do almost anything for her to love me back.

Dogs aren't color blind

Just now Flash the Omnivac has torn up my second favorite fuzzy sock and had eaten the heel and was greedily eyeing the rest when he was reported. First the red boa of feathers and now this, I knew I had to have a serious talk with him but I couldn't keep from shaking his paw solemnly first, in the way that only creatures who find they share a favorite color can.

If you haven't noticed I'm back and between all the To Do List Items today, I might blog.

No time to blog

And the days show no sign of slowing up or down, one twirls into another like we used to toddle into pirouettes. The free times are for freedom; they are as precious as my Keys and I am nearly as jealous of them. In them I am running as furiously as the summer and I don't know when I'll stop.

Heavy word

K: Could you bring me a book from the library?

C: OK, but I don't know what you like... well, wait... you like everything, don't you?

K: Yeah. Well, everything except, you know... literature.

On footwear

I got old shoes,
I got new shoes,

But I still don't wear no shoes.

All's quiet and all's well

Strange

That something so small can cause so much frustration.

Non compos mentis

So she says, but really, how level-headed can someone who flags their own blog be?

A small progress

Today I practiced for an hour... with the metronome.