Nov 18, 2009

Awake

I am watching rain drift down in the dark, and tonight here is no one here but me. At first the alone-ness was flashing like lightning on the walls of this heart; frightened and pale and thunderless, like a baby giant's tantrum. But now the night has fallen calm and I wish I was not stolen in all directions, or so aware of my feet; feet that were left standing on nothing but the road when all the newness fell through. And this is all to say I'm coming up empty, Lord. Maybe I should have listened.

The only good thing about broken hearts is the mending, and the hands that set and seal and sew; with kind fingers against our rough hearts, polishing away the blisters and with time healing the scar. And then we are not raggedy, or broken, or lost. We are just His. Sometimes I can remember the silhouette of my daddy's face against the headlights reflected in my seven year old sleepy brown eyes. More often than I deserve I can see Your face against these flashes of loneliness in a night where I thought there was no but me.

There is something else I meant to say. I love You. With all the love in my senseless heart which is a love that is so small and little and not enough. But even though it is not enough and it's small and it's little, it fills me up until I can't breathe through my tears sometimes. And I don't know why I kept falling in love with being in love with anything but You. And I don't know why I ran away, when I had no place else to go.

Tell me to go and I will go. Tell me to stay, I will stay. Tell me to live or die, to be whole or be broken. I don't care about anything but to say I'm listening, now. And I will wait until I hear; and I will wait until everyone else has left; and if it means I'm waiting forever, then I will stand waiting forever. And maybe sometime in that forever the little piece of love in my heart will have grown up, and maybe I will be so spellbound by it that I will barely notice it when You take back my hand and lead me to where I need to be. And even though now I feel nothing, I know You can hear me. I will always know that.


Because I believe in the sun even when it's not shining;

I believe in love even when I am alone;

And I believe in God, even when He is silent.


I am watching the rain, drifting down in the dark, and tonight there is no one but You.

1 comment:

Brown said...

That was beautiful